So, I've been up for twenty minutes and just remembered that I am supposed to be writing morning pages. I would have been done by now. Sigh. This is why I stop writing morning pages. I conveniently forget to write them after awhile. It's just some natural resistance to the process. Karaoke was fun last night. I hate to gloat, but Don was sucking. other than Roy, I had no competition. I hate that I do that, but I hate when people make me sound bad because they are so good. Well, that's partly true. I hate when non-friends sound so good. If you are with my party, you can rock as much as you want. Katie and Roy are great to karoke with, and they are consistently better than me. It's weird, I guess. I want to start vocal practice again, to see if I can take this more natural sound I found and make it better.
Which leads me to thinking about Cora. Yesterday really set me up for this, I guess. Cora is(was?) a voice teacher in the school of music. When she told me that I had not passed my level change jury in '98, she mentioned that I didn't look comfortable in my body. I didn't understand what she was talking about. Yesterday we went over to Finch (the old fieldhouse) for group counseling class to do some initiatives and some challenges, to give us a feel for a different kind of experience. Doing this reminded me of the time I went to Eagle Village as an RA, doing high ropes. I hated high ropes. I forgot how afraid of heights I am until I got up there. At which point, I was miserable. One thing I never understand is how we process this crap right after the experience. I need time to depressurize before I can think about stuff like this. What I've learned since is that I don't trust my body, and to have to trust this body I hate to some wire eighteen feet off the ground was terrible. One other thing I noticed was that I didn't fall (fail?) once on the course. I didn't dare. Part of it was that I didn't trust my arms to pull myself back up. It was a horrible experience, but I learned a lot about myself. One thing: I'll never do one again. Groups yesterday didn't do high ropes, but the experience was still designed to raise frustration levels. I need to be alone when frustrated, alone time calms me down. I think I'm going to write some notes to share with my group next week, because as always, I couldn't think right on top of the experience. Where was my thought? How do I build this connection to my body? Maybe I should look at treatments for body dysmorphic disorder. I know I don't meet the criteria for it, but it is a similar principle, and treatments that benefit them should benefit me. Are there standard treatments for BDD? It's still kind of new. Something to look into.
This is a normal morning page for me, Finally. All over the place. just like my head. Laura is listening to wicked, which is very distracting. But I need to absorb and release it. I could have asked her not to. She even asked if it was okay and I said yes. These pages need to happen, no matter what, so I welcomed the challenge. Damn, Defying Gravity is sucking me in (no pun intended). Why do I love this song so much? I identify with Elphaba. Wrong, I pretend to identify with Elphaba. I am much more Glinda. I've always used people's opinion of me for leverage. It works, though. Being competent isn't always enough, people in the right positions need to recognize your abilities. I don't see anything wrong with that. Maybe I'm a little of both. I'm not afraid to be the voice of dissention. I fuckin' thrive on it most times. This is a lot like Anyone can whistle, where I see myself on a continuum between Fay and Hapgood. I see a userpic coming on. Fun times. What else is in my head today? I can't wait for Cynthia to get here. Which means I need to call Joanne and tell her I'm not coming tonight. Cynthia won't be here until 4p, I'm sure she'll still be around at 8p. We'll see what she says when she gets here. I'm just sad that maybe someone is going to VM becase they didn't get tickets and I have an empty seat waiting for me. We'll see how I feel later. I hope stephanie is doing okay. This is the last night of the production, so things should get a lot less stressful for her. She pulled off sibs weekend, now this. Now she can just focus on her sister. I don't know how she does it, takes care of so many people. We really are a study in contrasts. I wanted escape velocity from my family, and got it. She helps them from here. I really don't know if I would do the same. Dad, yes, but I'm not sure about the rest. I need to call him tonight. I wonder how new client is going to change our relationship? It will be interesting. I know I'm going to change as a counselor, it isn't very difficult to imagine that I will change as a person and as a son as well. Now it's As Long As Your Mine. Love this song. Norbert is a current idol of mine. Such a character voice. I like to see what he's doing.