let's begin. It has been fun having cynthia here. I'm worried that I'm going to fall asleep in class tonight. I feel fine now, but having only five and a half hours of sleep is surely going to fuck with me later. I actually feel motivated to do some school work. Maybe it's the fact that I know I've procrastinated way too long and it is time to bust some ass. Need to talk to Meghan today about our project. It's due in two weeks. We have an easy as fuck topic though. I'm still distracted by the mac. I love the look of the screen font. And I can't help but feel in awe of this machine. Jason's computer, while the guts are new, still uses an older keyboard and a monitor that almost qualifies as aged. Cynthia's PowerBook G4, with huge, uber-wide screen, is waaaay cooler. Shouldn't I be focused on internal shit? I'll get there or not. That is the purpose of the morning pages to let them be whatever they are. I am folding into them like a forward bend, or downward facing dog, a small piece at a time. I love myself for doing these. Not that loving myself is conditional on my completion of these. Yeah, right, my love for myself is ALWAYS conditional on meeting external criteria I set for myself.
Talked with Cynthia about everything yesterday. I love talking to her. For all that we didn't spend a lifetime with each other, seeing each other rarely when we were both here, the time we spent together was quality. When she first got here yesterday, it was odd, like I didn't know what to talk about. Eventually we fell back into our rapport. Life is good.
I woke up this morning with just a love of my internship. Isn't that odd? To be thinking about it when I'm in the middle of my days off from it? Not really, I guess. It is a big part of my life this semester. Fun Times. I love the ladies, and working with B.Lo is a privilege. I've never not liked her, but who could have imagined that we would have become this close? I was heartbroken to not have any class with her this semester. At least we have our fun fridays at PCA. The fact that we will be together there all summer makes it even better. Then we should have lots more time together. I hope I have some clients tomorrow. I will have stuff to do, though. B.Lo and I have to talk about our presentations for the community. We will find her a job, even if we have to make her the dr. Phil of Mt Pleasant. and if I decide to stick around here, it will be good press for me as well. I really want to see her happy, though. Res Life has really shit on her. It's time for her to stand up and be herself. I'm so humming Sisters are Doing it For Themselves, now. Sigh, any doubts of my gayness?
Speaking of that, cyn and I talked a lot about relationships yesterday, the idea of "putting yourself out there". i don't do that. I've never done that. Tony found me, and everything else is inconsequential. It's odd, I don't know how to feel about finding a relationship. I don't know if I'm making sense, or if this is coherent. but I'm sticking to the rules, and not rereading the entry yet. Not until later. I wonder if Steph is starting these yet. She needs to read one of the books
hey, dumbass, back to relationships. anyway, cyn is a touchy person. Little moments last night reminded me how weird and fucked up I am about physical contact. Why is that? Both of my parents hugged and kissed me with reasonable frequency (coming, going, bedtime, well eliciting comfort), and Dad at least role modeled a strongly physical bond with both Judy and Lesa. Why do I not see physical contact as okay behavior? Is it a body image thing? Probably. Who knows? Wait a second, I know. I'm not letting myself off that easily. I don't even kiss my parents anymore. Dad and I hug. I haven't seen Mom in a long time. Where is the core of this? let be cognitive-behavioral for a moment, and try some ideas on. Body Image-I don't want to be touch because I have chosen to feel disconnected from my body as a defense. If I don't think about my body, people's comments and judgements of it don't hurt as much. That actually kind of works. Let's try some other stuff and see how it fits. Gay-realizing at a young age that I was gay, and being socialized to believe that the way I desired physical affection was wrong led me to generalize that physical affection was a matter for discomfort in all roles? Makes great sense intellectually, but doesn't really play in my heart/soul/guts. Nuture-Kristoffer (older brother), was mean to me as a child, beating me up and tickling me to the point of extreme pain. Because of this, I've learned to associate physical affection with pain? Well, this makes sense in the light of how ticklish I still am and how defensive I am about it, but doesn't really make the connection that the first one does. Well I ran out of time almost two minutes ago (probably more like a minute) so I guess I'll be done. Somethings to think about anyway