I don't know why I wake up so tired every morning. Even when I get as much sleep as I want, I still feel like a zombie, just a zombie that can't go back to sleep. It's not like I sleep for very long, though. I'm pretty sure I was in bed about 130a, and I've been up for probably fifteen minutes. That was over eight hours, though. Maybe I went to bed later, I don't really recall.
Was paid the best compliment yesterday. When describing me and another intern, my supervisor said that I would be good for them, they would be good for [another intern]. That makes me feel so great, but it also puts the pressure on. No slacking now, have to have the big guns on standby all the time. Time to be the best counselor I can be. I want to be a good counselor. Why shouldn't I be? I can live up to their expectations. It will be nice to take some pride in my work, which I really haven't recently. Maybe that should be my focus today, pride. What is pride? Where do I feel pride in myself? How do I generate more proud feelings in my life? Let's see. Pride is knowing that what you put forward to the world, whether it be an attitude, a classroom paper, or a work project is the best that you can make it. It reflects careful consideration and preparation. Anything done with pride does not reflect hurried or sloppy or apathy. I care to be prideful. Just not in the bad way. It's okay to love what I do for the world. I still feel great about my phone project the other day, even if I did do it pretty late. Not really, I had plenty of time to do it. It isn't a problem to do something the day, as long as you have enough time to do it right. I'm not about to become attack of the perfectionist man, but I need to put more time toward everything. Everything I do feels rushed or half-assed. I care about doing things right. Let's remember that. Did I have another question? I know I did. I'm going to break a rul and look back. Where do I take pride in my life currently? I am proud of how I treat people. I've become a pretty good human being. I'm proud as a gay man. I wrote a while back about wanting to be more activist. We'll see. What can I carry with me to remember to act with pride in all actions? I need a pride touchstone or something. What can it be? I will have to look around to see what I can use. Grr
grr, too many distractions this morning. Jason, Laura, the phone ringing. I need to focus. I take pride in my twenty minute morning pages. They don't feel as emptying as they do in the past(bad sentence, but I'm working on not editing as I go). Maybe I need to up my time to twenty-five minutes. I'll start today, and see how it goes. With the distractions, I need the extra time anyway. I guess these would eventually draw enough out, and some days they seem to do the trick, but I think I want to dig a little deeper each day. We'll se if 25 becomes a problem.
I wonder if the Dan Judge who committed suicide is really my former resident. I hope I have a picture of him to show dorothy. I need to know. It makes me sad if it is, primarily becaue I( don't feel that sad. Kind of like the end of the song nothing in A Chorus Line, I cried because I felt nothing. I can grieve for him, but our relationship wasn't strong enough that I should feel like a gaping hole. I'm having the whole, I wonder if there was something I could have done thing. It didn't happen during the year, but maybe I could have change the course of events. I don't know. This is the pride thing, I didn't take pride in being an RA. I did an okay job, but I've never taken pride in things I do. I take pride in being intelligent but from none of the works that come from it. Pride. It's my new buzzword. Okay, Stewart why are you so beating this into yourself today? It just feels right, it's simple, but it feels right. I can take pride in myself, and care about the food I eat. I can take pride in myself and do my homework. I can take pride in my almost finished master's degree and research my client's needs. Wow, this is powerful. Jason is awake. I'm trying to ignore him. I still have to add my additional five minutes to my timer. I can do that. Should I take pride in my Journal and fix it today? It's looking kind of crappy right now. Maybe I will. I need to post my key to entries anyway. No one has asked me about my subject lines, but maybe it's kind of obvious. I haven't used an OMT yet. I should aim for one a day. In some ways, even though this is SOC, it is an OMT in a way. I have to think about things deeper than I do sometimes. I have to dig them out.
I did'nt like that senetence start. How do i want to react to my groups class on Tuesday? Should I take a moment to express to my group how I feel? If we get an opportunity to process together, I will. If nothing else, I want to make a point to the class that I need time to figure it out. Maybe I'll ask Jason in class, ask him to explain why we process immediately after the event. Is it just for time's sake? Maybe there is some significance to it, but it never helps me. I need to calm down and collect first. Wool-gathering of a different sort. Sorry, thinking about pride again. I woke up this morning, all prepared to not do Atkins again. Now I know I'm starting this morning. Which of course gets me thinking about the grocery store, since I think the only Atkins food I have in the house is cheese. I have a can of salmon, but no egg to make salmon patties. I will eat some cheese, shower, go to the store to buy some eggs, a little meat (I'm angry over how much I'm going to have to throw away this morning), and I don't know what else. I need to see if the cream is still good. It should be, it's only a couple of days past it's sell by. There should be that much more in there anyway. I wonder if that meat is all bad. I will investigate. The steak looked pretty dark, though. Let's face it, I bought the meat on Superbowl Sunday. Two weeks ago tomorrow. It has to be bad. I don't want to take the chance.