June 6th, 2002

hedwig (by radiocure)

A thought salad---an attack of the bad people who I have known

A couple of thoughts have been recurrent lately, and, after a few more synchronistic events today, it's time to write them down so I can think about them in years to come.

The Recipe
A great conversation I had with kmaust the other day
The fact that she became one of our ranks today
Me contemplating my worth to the organizations I work for
A quote from the SARK newsletter

Mix well, and reflect until ready

This was the quote that finally moved me to write
-=- Remember you are not alone
Isolation makes the dark darker. Tell the truth about your "actual experience" and actual self. You have companions all around you.

I have been thinking about how people choose to present themselves to other people. How people choose to lie about their life, hiding their "actual self", because it makes them feel better, knowing that someone else thinks they are better than they are. Why are we so afraid to show weakness to each other? Are we really surrounded by such viscious people that we have to protect our soft underbellies at any cost? Unfortunately, I do believe that there are people who live to exploit your weaknesses. I have felt their barbs plenty of times.

To these people, I say bring it on. I refuse to live a lie any longer because I'm afraid of your judgement. I refuse to shut myself away from the affection and support I need from you because you would rather be "professional" than be a good coworker. I refuse to value myself as less so you can be more. I share my weaknesses with you and you pretend like you've never been in my situation! God Damn it, why did you force me to go through this shit alone?

Shame on me for believing the facades for so long, taking your face value for the truth, causing me to hate myself because you were so much better. Some of the things I have heard the last couple weeks, the dark skeletons that have been hidden in your closets, make me look like a fucking saint.

But, as I am coming to terms with my many and intense flaws, I accept this as one of yours, and I make you a promise. I will never hide my true feelings again. This will hopefully allow you to do the same. It is my hope that someday we will come to truly support each other.

I love you, never forget that
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