June 12th, 2002

hedwig (by radiocure)

Warring emotions

Saunder just called me. My mother had a heart attack last night. A mild one, they're releasing her on friday.

My first reaction was empty, and then guilt because I didn't feel anything. Do I dislike this woman that much? Then I called her hospital room, at which point I fell apart, the shock giving way to the thought that I may have lost my mother last night.

I may have lost my mother last night, and I don't feel any major regrets. No bouts of I should have said this, or done that, ad nauseum.

I'm so confused. Five minutes ago I was sobbing/shrieking. Then I was angry. Now my head hurts. Why am I this fucked up?
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed