July 11th, 2002

hedwig (by radiocure)

H-E-Double R-ig That's the way we spell . . .


The last few days, living in Herrig again, stirred up some emotions that I don't know if I'm ready to deal with, yet. I think I'll think about some of it now, and leave the rest for another time.

While doing a walkthrough of the terrace, I had to go in and sit in 019, Lisa's room. Lisa, the co-worker who drove me up a wall at first, turned out to be one of the best people I have ever met. I miss her and hope she's happy. Thinking about Lisa, I can't help but think about Rachel, Jason, and, of course, Nina. I think it's odd that the people I had the worst first impression of, Rachel and Lisa, turned out to be the people I ended up respecting and loving, while spending time around Nina only succeeded in driving us further apart.

When I left Herrig, I didn't look back, and had very little contact with people there, but I don't understand why I worked so hard to distance myself from them. I think I now understand why I ran from Jason, at least. I shared with him so much of my life, so much of who I was, that he became more than just a boss. I showed him my vulnerable, dark pieces, and he didn't flinch. When I ran left, I needed to reshield myself, make repairs to the wall I'd spent a lifetime fortifying. When you let so few people in, you always expect to be hurt; even after all Jason had done to prove his trust, I still had to keep looking for when he would strike at me.

I may never understand why I did some of the things I did while I was there, and I may never be at peace with myself for it, but at least I'm one step closer.
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