June 20th, 2004

Jesus and the Bird (religion)

faith: To sublimate is divine?

Sublimation is a Freudian defense mechanism where one chooses to channel the energy of inappropriate sexual desires into more socially acceptable activities.

I'm thinking I have the tendency to do the opposite.

I met with a client the other day who is, quite possibly, the most spiritual person I've ever met. Since this session, I've felt hollow; I have such a terrible need, a hunger, for spiritual connection, and I can't seem to find it in me. All of my life, I've been drawn to people of strong faith; I want to be them, but don't know how. I think people may argue that faith isn't about "how", it just is, but this doesn't comfort me. For all practical purposes, I need a "how" to get me started.

Frustrated by my inability to make the connection to something, I channel my need into sex drive. This may be a little TMI, but these are quite possibly the least satisfying orgasms on the planet. I want (need) to go again almost immediately, trying to exorcise some of my true desire.

When I'm more rational, I'm sure this will make a fascinating addition to the theories of queer identity development, given the sexualized nature of gay culture. But that has no place right now.

Okay, Universe, I'm sending this out to you, an allegedly good techinique for receiving guidance. I need help. Forgive me for quoting the bad 80's hair band, Poison, but please give me something to believe in. I look at the spiritual items I surround myself with, tarot, prayer beads, books about spirituality, kabbaleh stuff, and they all look leached of color. They hold nothing for me. I had a powerful realization about myself and the nature of personal fire the other day, but rather than easing this hunger, it's made it more acute. I feel like this fire needs a purpose, or it's going to turn on me. Send me something to connect to, a philosophy, a mentor, something. I'm thankful for your guidance, and I await your response.
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