June 25th, 2006

hedwig (by radiocure)

relapse

I drank tonight. i really drank tonight.

Scotty leaves the end of the week for North Dakota (if I type with one eye closed, I can catch my typos), so I decided to drink with him, even though he didn't ask it of me.  It started with a few sips of beer at summerfest. Then I decided that when we went to the Bird I would say goodbye to Jeremiah Weed, the dirty whore, with a double of him and coke.  Then I had another double Weed, because the first one wasn't as powerful as I remembered. Then I finished a pitcher of Bud Light, which I hate, and then went to Marty's for 2 seven and sevens, and you know Marty's only serves doubles.  All in all, I figure I had the equivalent of 14 drinks tonight.  14.

And I don't feel guilty. Well, I do, but I also feel really good.  I forgot how good alcohol made me feel, and it makes me think that I never had a problem with it.  I stopped drinking for my clients, is that a valid reason? 

It should be enough. I can do without alcohol. It should have been a sign when I saw a client, the beautiful, very straight with amazing girlfriend client at both bars. And yet I pressed on. I also got to meet my nemesis, the sales rep for Charter that I have been fighting with for months. I hope I didn't come off as a complete lush. He said that I sounded much older on the phone, I hope I didn't lose any advantage I had with him.  He has the prettiest green eyes.

Well, I'll process when I'm sober.  My sleeping pill is kicking in, so I need to get strapped in to the CPAP. Goodnight. 

I am such a fuckup.
hedwig (by radiocure)

and scene

Well, that certainly was fun, but now that I'm sober, I don't feel the driving need to be a social drinker again.  We'll see how the next few days go, see if I miss it.  I'm working so hard to get healthy with my eating habits, I've lost a lot of weight, my triglycerides are in the normal range finally-I don't think I want to give any of that up for alcohol.  I WILL be under a certain weight for my sister's wedding in November, I owe it to myself to get my stuff together. 

Thanks for the messages. I think that part of my decision to drink last night was based on me thinking that I will be lonely without Scotty around. It will different, but there are still people here that I hang around with. I just need to make an effort to get closer to them. 

Well, I got stuff to do, I've put off housework for a couple of weeks, to the point where I can't stand to be in any room in the house. Plus I brought home a ton of work to get done. I have jury duty tomorrow; I wonder if I can fib and say it took all day?  Of course, there's no one in the world who will buy that jury duty went until 9p.  Stupid afternoon/evening schedule.  Kidding.

Have a wonderful day. Thanks for listening. Reading. Whatever.

p.s. Anyone know of a site where I can buy Holly Near songs by the track. emusic, itunes, and allofmp3, my triumvirate of musiclisciousness, has let me down.  If anyone has a copy of I Am Willing, that's what I'm looking for. The music minister at church this morning sang this song, and it is amazing. 
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