July 2nd, 2006

hedwig (by radiocure)

An open letter

Dear Love,
    I don't know who you are, and I certainly don't know where you're hiding, but I think I'm ready for you.  Seeing the loving couples at karaoke tonight, the newlyweds, the proposal, sharing in both couple's joy and satisfaction, makes me really feel like a fool for hiding from you.  I've always seen your coming into my life as a given, that no matter what choices I made, I would eventually stumble across you, and we'd walk hand in hand toward happily ever after.  I realize now that that is not true, that my current actions support no conclusion other than spending the rest of my life alone.  That's not acceptable, and I'm willing to make changes to allow you to come into my life. 

I'm losing the weight that I've hidden behind for years.  I've lost 20lbs, and I'm going to nip the backsliding that I've done over the last two days in the ass. I'm throwing the bucket of frosting out right now.  I'm scared about how to live without the safety, the invisibility, that the weight gives me, but I'm going to work on it.  I'm going to call that new counseling place and see if I can make a payment arrangement that I can afford. She seems to have a strong bodywork focus, and I need that.  I'm going to stop hiding within my body. 

I'm going to work on the emotional stuff, too, my ability to barely connect with people and act like it's true intimacy.  I give myself permission to miss people who I don't get to see every day.  I will live by the ideals I present to my clients, and will work to communicate my needs to others while I also see to theirs. 

I do this for you, so when we meet, I don't run or push you away or become so critical that I convince myself that you're worthless before I even have the chance to consciously realize that I am attracted to you.  I do this for me, too, because I don't want to spend my life alone.  I want to be challenged and adored by you.  I want you to call me on my behavior when I act like my mother.  I want you to feel like you're a better person for having loved me. I want to feel the same way.

ready or not, here I come
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
  • Tags