August 3rd, 2006

hedwig (by radiocure)

bound for glory

One giant scissor step in the right direction.

I didn't go to bed last night, and went into the office instead to put the finishing touches on my internship binder, one of the four items that, for the last two years, have stood between me and my master's degree. Maybe that should be five items, since I seem to do a reaallll good job of getting in my way.  It's done. I don't know how I got through a day on 20 minutes of sleep nabbed around 5am (I'm casting my vote for divine assistance), and I don't know if the internship coordinator will object to my use of the older style forms that we used back when I was actually doing my internship, but it's done.

And now I know that I will not be stopped. I will finish the last three items, I will earn the master's degree I'm paying for, and I will gorge on every ounce of self-respect that I wring from each one of these moments.  I'm sick of my scraps and guilt diet, and I'm done doing everything in my power to keep myself chained to the idea that I'm a broken child. A program I listened to the other day said that a real man is one who rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, and leads courageously. I will be a real man, possibly for the first time in my life. Screw "will be", I choose to be a real man from this point forward. This already tastes better than guilt and scraps, even if, for right now, it only tastes of sweat and exhaustion.