Dr. Hapgood, your cruise director (hapgood) wrote,
Dr. Hapgood, your cruise director

How can I sleep while the beds are burning?

A SMALL WARNING - this post doesn't really "flow", but I can't seem to get it to come out any clearer. Maybe I'll take another run at the idea in a day or so . . .

As my relationship with this site has evolved over the years (6 years, wow.), I have grown to accept my lacunae gracefully, knowing that when I have more time/desire, LJ is my home, waiting for me, ready to support, challenge, and entertain me again.

an aside that really does lead somewhere: I don't often tell people about the worst nightmare I ever had, as it is the kind of dream that, while it doesn't hold up to rational processing, is still emotionally traumatic today, about twenty-five years later. In it, I am on a plane with my family (and the boy from the TV show Voyagers!). I feel a lurch, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up on the plane, there doesn't appear to be any damage, but only the boy from Voyagers! and I are still on it. I remember I wanted to ask him if he had that pocket-watch thingy with him - if only I knew what foreshadowing was at age five. Turns out the plane is stuck on top of a giant stalagmite/tite/pillar of ice in the front yard of my childhood home that I have to climb down, so I can go to my front door and knock. There is quite a production of something being removed from the door to allow it to open, and when it finally does, I see my mother, but she has aged significantly while I'm still 5 or 6. I can't remember if it's me or my mother that lets out a choked sob, but that's when I woke up and sobbed until I fell asleep again. I still don't know what it is about knowing that my family was so much older while I hadn't changed that upset me so, but when I think about it, I can still feel the intense sadness of the moment.

This censorship situation reminds me of the dream. I was gone, and my family changed while my back was turned. It's not like my presence would have prevented this, but, like the dream, the lack of rationality doesn't weaken the feeling.

So, while I wonder if the community will survive this stuff, I can't stop thinking that I don't even know the state of the community before the purge. I keep thinking that this wouldn't have happened a few years ago, that this is the type of action that the leadership team would have violently opposed. Has the tenor of the community changed? Did anyone see this coming? Is anyone trying to resist the urge to say things that begin with, "When this was Brad's football . . ."?

All I know is that I'm no longer in a rush to deliver a farewell post in protest of this action. While skimming some posts, trying to how others were feeling, someone on my friend's list used a song quote from Rent, one of my favorite moments in the show, to support his decision to ride this out for the moment (I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe you're going. I can't believe this family must die). As always, I'll side with synchronicity. Thanks, driley1

I don't say it nearly enough, but I have so much love for many of you, and will always be thankful for this experience. I look forward to growing through and past this. Hell, I'm about 78% sure that I'll read this tomorrow and cringe over the schmaltz of it all.
Tags: lj

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