My outlook on life has changed so much over the last year. I used to think that I was really messed up, that I was so screwed up in the head that without intervention I was bound for suicide, or at least the mental hospital. Working on a crisis line for the last year, talking with people who are "really" messed up, I realize that I am not very bad off. I have bad days, but even on my worst, I have better coping skills than most of the consumers I have dealt with. This experience was kind of like finally understanding a difficult concept in class, you can't imagine what life was like before you understood, you can't not understand ever again. Everyone has bad days, the secret isn't in how NOT to have them, but in how to deal with them when they occur. Seems simplistic, but it's a new concept for me.
I have spent my whole life looking at myself like I am completely worthless, only able to focus on my weaknesses. I finally am able to say that I am a whole human being, running over with strengths and weaknesses. Where I used to see only a lazy, rude prick who couldn't finish any task that he started, I now see someone who has all of these traits but is also optimistic, highly intelligent, impassioned without being maudlin, someone who has a unique gift for understanding people. I can't wait for tomorrow, that's something completely new to me.
More general stuff about me. I love to sing musical theater, and plan on completing a music degree in the future. I am a gay man who is contemplating his mid-twenties, unsure how to proceed, feeling that the growing that he didn't do in his teens will surely come to haunt him now. But more on that later.