Dr. Hapgood, your cruise director (hapgood) wrote,
Dr. Hapgood, your cruise director

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This cracks my shit up!!!

Thank you aisling for this link, which I have stolen from ebay (I hope this works)


You thought when you tucked her away to give to your child years from now that she would simply lie there like a rug, waiting for another generation to abuse her...

Well she didn't...

She got sick of being encased in plastic (not to mention that she was starting to suffocate), and while you grew up, married, and kept her packed away for those children of yours, Barbie had a life too!

That's right, she used those perfectly manicured fingernails and busted out.

She hopped from job to job...was a doctor, dentist, teacher, veterinarian, NASCAR driver, basketball player, and even a princess!

But her life just didn't seem complete until she met Ken...

After a whirlwind courtship, the two were married amid a sea of friends and family.

Barbie's life was perfect beyond her wildest dreams. She and Ken had a penthouse apartment in the city, where they frequently hosted chic celebrity parties, as well as a home in the country to get away from it all.

The 2.5 children quickly became reality and then some, when Barbie gave birth to seventeen babies!

Yes...life was bliss for Barbie, Ken and the children.

But that bliss quickly came to an end one tragic afternoon, when Barbie came home from a day at the spa with her girlfriends. Ken informed Barbie that he had some news for her...

She panicked...were those late nights at the office really for work? What about all of those business trips? Maybe he was dying of some horrific disease...

Trembling in fear, with tears streaming down her face, she asked Ken what was wrong.

He told Barbie the truth...their marriage was a sham...an attempt by him to fit in at the law firm he worked for...he needed the perfect wife and the perfect little family to become a partner, and now that he made it, he could hide his true self no longer...

Ken revealed that he was a woman trapped in a man's body, and would be leaving for Switzerland for a sex-change operation (though, according to my own recollection of Ken dolls, the operation couldn't have made a drastic difference).

Barbie was devastated (it didn't help that Ken looked much better in that dress than she ever did). At first, Barbie went wild...she picked up strange men at the Piggly Wiggly while she was out riding the motorcycle she blew the divorce settlement on.

Utterly alone, a despondent Barbie hit rock-bottom...realizing her life had become nothing but a string of one-night stands, meaningless liasons with men she found on street corners and in the meat department of the grocery store, she sank into a deep depression. At her lowest moment, Barbie attempted suicide, but was unsuccessful in her effort.

Barbie let herself go...no longer able to fit into her spandex exercise pants, she skipped her workouts and aerobics classes altogether.

She raided the refrigerator until the only
thing left in it was a three year old box of baking soda...and then she ate that too!

It's been years since Ken left (he is now known as Kenita and works as a beauty rep for a major cosmetics organization) and Barbie has hit her 40's...the ravages of time, early menopause and her lifestyle have caught up with her.


And now here is your chance to own this extremely collectible, extremely limited edition "Raging Hormones Menopausal Prozac Barbie." You won't find this beauty in stores anywhere!

Do you need a perfect gift for that hard-to-buy-for person on your list? What says "I love you and your many moods...I understand your body is undergoing normal physical changes right now and I will be a compassionate partner to you during this time in your life please don't kill me,"
better than this doll?

Features you or that special someone on your gift list will enjoy with your "Raging Hormones Menopausal Prozac Barbie" -

  • Black-rooted hair that hasn't been brushed or styled in 18 years - have fun with your friends locating the three hairbrushes, two combs and other treasures anchored in that glorious mane with two cans of Aqua Net!

  • Bask in the warm glow of Barbie's hot flash-flushed face!

  • Gaze into Barbie's Prozac-glazed eyes while admiring her over-collagened lips - complete with cigarette dangling from her mouth and stray facial hair! Please note that Barbie lost her eyebrows in a bizarre bacon-frying accident back in '92

  • See the effects
    a diet of Twinkies and beer has had on Barbie's posterior region! Adorable cellulite dimples on a creamy alabaster background - what more could you ask for!

  • Between the raging hormones and the fact that Barbie hasn't waxed or shaved in a few years, you will marvel at the silky softness of the hair covering Barbie's legs, armpits and across the tops of her toes!

  • Barbie's action fashion outfit of stretched-all-to-heck panties and matching tube top covering her rather flatish chest - her implants slid to her butt years ago!

  • Your special, limited edition, signed, and numbered 1-in-a-series-of-1 doll will also include Barbie's mug of beer, a bottle of Prozac, and a box of Hamburger Helper - all the fixins' for a romantic dinner at home!

  • Barbie
    will be coated in a protective sealer to last for years and years! She is certain to become a much-coveted heirloom!

  • Fabulous Walmart all-metal dollstand to display your doll with pride though Barbie's rear-end also makes it possible to simply lean her against a wall and she balances quite well!

</center>This Barbie would be the perfect addition to any home...or garage...

Stand her on your desk and feel good about yourself on even the worst of days! Take her out to the bars and clubs - your days of being the "pretty one's friend" are officially over when you are with Raging Hormones Menopausal Prozac Barbie!

Place your bid now and own this one of a kind piece of art that will be sure to have you thinking (Please note: Author/"artist" can not guarantee what
you will be thinking about).

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