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Warring emotions

Saunder just called me. My mother had a heart attack last night. A mild one, they're releasing her on friday.

My first reaction was empty, and then guilt because I didn't feel anything. Do I dislike this woman that much? Then I called her hospital room, at which point I fell apart, the shock giving way to the thought that I may have lost my mother last night.

I may have lost my mother last night, and I don't feel any major regrets. No bouts of I should have said this, or done that, ad nauseum.

I'm so confused. Five minutes ago I was sobbing/shrieking. Then I was angry. Now my head hurts. Why am I this fucked up?


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 12th, 2002 02:06 pm (UTC)
i love you
i just wrote to say i love you, i just wrote to say how i much i care, i just wrote to say i love you and i mean it from the bottowm of my heart!

i am here for you kiddo if you need anything....i know what would keep your mind busy for a few hours anyways...porn night!

Jun. 12th, 2002 06:54 pm (UTC)
Honey, are you ok? If you need/want to chat, call me anytime...seriously. If you need anything - to switch shifts at work, to hit up Doozies, anything, let me know.
Jun. 12th, 2002 09:15 pm (UTC)
Sweetie-buns, you're not fucked up. Isn't it worth something that you're able to conceptualize these emotions? That desire to understand or rationalize the way you feel says a lot about your caring nature. I don't know much about you and your mom, and I'm sad that you had a "I may have lost my mother" night -- know that you're loved (and remember you don't have to heal the world)
Jun. 12th, 2002 09:33 pm (UTC)
I don't have anything helpful to say, I just want to send hugs and good wishes and all that jazz. xoxo
Jun. 12th, 2002 10:35 pm (UTC)
I wish I had read this sooner. I'm sorry that this had to happen. Regardless of your relationship with your mother, a heart attack is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I'm here if you need to talk, and although I am working at 4am tonight, if you just need to release some energy or whatever know that I am here for you, as you were for me earlier this week.
Jun. 14th, 2002 09:57 am (UTC)
Sorry, I haven't been on LJ for awhile. I am so sorry about what happened. If you need someone to talk to, you know where I live!

Love you bunches,
Jun. 14th, 2002 10:43 am (UTC)
Oh, God. I only just saw your post, but -- I'm so sorry. I don't really know what else to say.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )