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An apology

Dear Strength,
I miss you. I never thought I would say that, but now, after an almost three year absence, I want you back. I've enjoyed the vacation from responsibility, but it's more than time to reclaim the power you used to give me.

I respect that power now, and won't abuse it by being full of myself or looking down my nose at people who aren't as capable as I am. I've had to be powerless, thrown by the whims of my moods and weaknesses, to truly realize that I love you.

I love you; I'm not afraid to say that now.

I remember the day I asked you to pack and go, the day after the suicide gesture of one of my residents. I couldn't deal with it with you around, you who made me work and learn from everything. By getting you out of the picture, I was off the hook to just run away from my emotional crisis. It only worsened from there, the following months the worst of my life. I learned what if felt like to go to Target and buy a knife and a bottle of Advil and have the cashier look on with fear. I learned what it felt like to press a knife to a wrist or throat and wonder what it would be like to just push harder, to feel the cool of the blade warm with my blood. I never learned that lesson, and I'm thankful for that. The Advil is long since used up, and the knife has become just a knife, a former tool of destruction demoted to just a tool. I sit looking at that knife now and the only desire it brings forth is for a coconut cream pie.

I learned to run while you were away, from graduation, from Western, from myself. But while running, I found a different kind of strength, an emotional strength that I've never known.

Where I was once unfinished, I am now incomplete. Your absence has taught me to be emotionally strong, but emotions alone aren't going to cut it any longer. I need rational strength, the ability to persevere, to create, to overcome. I need you, and I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you that.

Come home. It isn't the same as when you left, but it's still where you belong. I'm tired of getting by without you and we have work to do.

I'll wait forever if I have to, but I hope it won't come to that. You know it's better here for you. You won't be my single guiding voice anymore, but you have a part to play. We all have a part to play, and with you here, we will be unstoppable.

Love always
stewart